like you care

too long

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 09:43:57 GMT

its been way too long and forever since ive written in this thing. lately the only thing i did all summer was get faded and party. the girl ive been thinking about seeing is irene. but she doesnt want to date someone that smokes and i dont wanna quit. i love her yes. but i still have feelings for jessica... my jess. i wanted to date her so bad and now were supposed to be besties but i hate it i miss her so much i cant fucking take this shit, everytime i see her i wanna lock lips, and go back to "taking it slow" this is horrible, i love irene but jess.. this is horrible, i need to stop with drugs i dunno. maybe im crazy. im still looking forward to the coke, i hope trevor understands if he finds out, jsut once. maybe i alot. i kind of want to fuck my life up, i hate it now, i seem happy, im not. im fucking up and i kind of like it. i dont care anymore. its fine. im always fine, but irene brings me down sometimes cause we dont drive and shes so far away. then theres the slutty part of me that just wnats to fuck everything i see. i like that part too.. but jessica. i get jealous over her so much! I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND! this is killing me! sometimes i just wanna die but i dont know. im so sick of everything and i cant beleive im writing in this damn thing i just need to get it out of my system. i love jessica. i dont know to what extent but i do, how can i care so much like this and get pissed and shit about everything and her and zack nad her and kevin this is fucking horrible...

why wont this stop. why does everyone have to know everyone and then like people, i should have talked to more people in the past so they know what im going through i bet many of you are so confused its ok. im sorry.
i just really need to get this out. im drunk and high right now, but at the moment i just feel cold. well kinda hott but cold inside.

jessica. i lovey you im soryr were just bestfriends... but if thats what you absouletly want andi konw it is...FUCK! i thate this so much. and irene. i dont want you to go back on a promise. you shouldnt have to deal with me. im srory... i love you and i want to work things out but i dont want you to be unhappy. im sorry fuck it. i shoudltn care right? just best friends thats fine. but i dont think i could ever see you again. i would just always feel the same way no matter what, this isnt gonna fucking go away. its horrible. i hate it. ive said that alot but i mean it.

either way i know im going to end up alone and its ok, no matter how much i want jessica i cant go back on it.. this isnt good. i should just stop liking girls all in general, that would work the best for me but i cant. oh well. hopefully im alive for the next year or so. thats all i have to look forward too...

thanks. sorry jessica. i meant everything i said in this. i still like oyu. i want to apologize, im horrible.

=[

scared

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 23:54:58 GMT

im so scared.. no. TERRIFIED! to go back to sleep, this whole last 2 weeks ive had nothing but night terrors. horrible ones.

last nite especially. one of my most closest best friends in the world died... stef. i cried in my dream.. i woke up in tears, i cant go back to sleep, i wont.

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 18:32:24 GMT

no matter what i do or what i say.. it never helps or gets better. thanks for nothing assholes

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 21:40:46 GMT

then again it could be about me?...

i hope... but i didnt talk to her for that long. sigh...

wtf is wrong waith aem?e

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 21:37:35 GMT

sirry abiyt the wshitty writing.,. a lil buazzedd of vodka..

but seriously, after what i beleived last nite, i thought things were lookingup so wele, looksl ike i was wrong but oh well//

i just want somebody.. thought it was her.. still do, i want her, but i fcant fucking have her, forget ee=veryting i beleived.... last nite was nothing, just simply a miss friend talk,, nothing important, im not impartant , wtf is wrong with me... waell, i hope things go wgood with the persong you still like alot.. sorry about all this.. i dont even know what aim talking about ritn ow.. sighh, well tell me later who your lj entry was about.. im dying otkn ow...
cuya

holy shit...

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 21:57:39 GMT

what am I doing...?

another nite of my life

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 12:55:14 GMT

Tonite. Last nite. Cant begin to describe.. But amazing. Booze, cigs, friends and her... I dont even know what to say or where to begin, cept im feeling incredible, cuddling and sleeping and loving, best things in life, and i dont know where im going with this but i just love how everthing turned out, it was just amazing... i loved every moment she was here, i cant stop thinking of her, i just love this feeling. i hope it never ends... i hope you now understand what i told you and never forget... and hope the nite was amazing for you too, thanks again.

I love you with all my heart. and cant even describe the feeling im going through, i know my feelings have deffinatly changed, not sure for good or worse, but it feels like its leading torwards good... <3

Thanks a million and more. see you when you get back... <3

To Danny:

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 07:25:52 GMT

I'm so terribly sorry, Truly, I am. From the deepest down bottom of my heart, im sorry, please feel better. Things will get better. There are plenty out there, me you and chris are going through about the same shit rite now.. of course it hurts... it always does.. but we gotta be there for eachother, and keep eachother alive.. things will get better, i promise. You dont need to do this.. none of us do, all we can do is congradulate kevin on his find. Hes the lucky one out of the group... We will get our find, sooner or later, its ok to let emotions out, do it as much as you like, i know it hurts.. i hurt everyday, even when i gave up, im hurting more and more.. but we will always have eachother, no matter what, remember that! Im always gonna be your best friend for fucking life and death... no girl or other will change that. and were always gonna be here for eachother... maybe were just looking for things in wrong places.. but I promise you.. it wont always be like this... and im going to give you about half my pack at the kickback and tons of booze, all 3 of us need it...

To Chris and Danny.. I love you with all my heart and thanks for keeping me alive. Im always here. Forever guys... Best Friends.

Friends are medication... my medication.. our medication... _Huge hearts_

chris... <3

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 20:11:26 GMT

FUCK!!!!

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 02:56:43 GMT

Like I said, ive givin up, but the feeling wont go away. It still hurts so much and nothing makes it better or makes it go away... I do have my friends...

But my friends are only a medication...

I need a cure...

Someone, Somewhere, find me a cure...?

=]

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:39:39 GMT

things are looking up...

i think im converting... youll find out soon, but not yet. its not official. ttyl _harts_ thanks everyone again. love my bff's, you know who you are.

=]

sigh

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 02:54:59 GMT

am i bipolar? or just dumb?

"If I wasn't so fucking tite, Ide prolly kill myself" - Jeff

..

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 23:48:55 GMT

i still dont believe all of you.. you say im a nice sweet kind lovable boy, and im perfect?

obviously not.. so stop fucking lieing to me.

Bitches.

k..

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 23:45:23 GMT

k, i think that last post was a fake... i dunno how im feeling anymore, but it sucks... need booze, cigarettes, and _____... =\ this is never gonna end, ive been killing myself the last few days.. weeks.. for what?

NOTHING. Absolutely Nothing.

i cant believe how fucking stupid i am... honostly, am i really that dumb? cause i was fucking blind, i should of seen that coming. haha oh well...

lifes funny aint it?

sigh.. i feel like im about to puke, i remember everything from the past, the talks, the plans, the summer, the feelings....

its gone... probably never coming back.. i cant stop laughing, wtf is wrong with me... im sitting here smiling and laughing at my sorrow, its fun. i dont caree anymore, im probably never gonna get that back...

with anyone... those feelings.. they are destroying me....

do i honostly just suck at life? ps. i still dont give a shit..

YES!

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 23:33:50 GMT

OMG! I FEEL HAPPY! I DONT KNOW WHY! BUT I FEEL HAPPY! it just clicked, ive been beating my self up the last few days, but rite now, im happy, and i dont care about anything anymore,i honostly dont give a shit anymore! and its wonderful! ehehehehhehehe and when i dont care, i dont worry and i feel better and happy. so to everyone...

Fuck Off. =] k.

its over...

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 06:41:02 GMT

ive givin up. danny will tell you everything... maybe youll understand through his perspective and point of view and through his words... im sorry, im still here as a friend and a twin, always and foreverr, i love you no matter what. good luck with the boy you like, im sure you can make him happy. you could make anyone happy.

good bye.

rofl

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 04:19:13 GMT

i wanna get smashed. im out of cigarettes. erics taking a shower. tabis new hair looks gorgeus. fuck i need to goo! its already 9:19!!! it started at 7:40, hope adus rea didnt play yet...

I OWE CHRIS! SHIT ={... oh well, ill tell him what happened, someone buy me cigarettes? <3

her sorrow

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 02:43:45 GMT

shes sad...
depressed..
lost 2 very important things to her..

and all i can do is..

Nothing.
I fucking hate living in rialto with no car. I want to help..
But i cant... THERES NOTHING I CAN DO! EVER! I FUCKING SUCK AT LIFE.

I really wish i could tell her and show her in person how i feel about her and how this effects me too.
and that i care for her so much and would do anything to make her feel better.

But i cant. Not in rialto...

sorry sweety..

friends.

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 02:49:38 GMT

I enjoy sitting my lazy ass on a couch at 3 in the morning sharing a lap top with one of my best friends watching HBO movies.

my dreams..

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 19:39:21 GMT

my last 2 dreams have been nothing but her... i never know where it leads or what they are trying to tell me
i just see her face and i feel "happy"
but then it goes black. blank, the only thing i can remember is seeing her face
and feeling her lips. and then its blank again,
i wake up, wondering if it was real or not.

its not...

and mite never be.

sometimes i just want to stay in my dreams, or go back in time and relive that one special nite.
Im still sitting here waiting for something, not sure what. but im waiting.

then again. if these dreams keep coming, they are just going to make me realize its not real.
and its all just toying with me, and playing with my mind, am i going insane? am i still going unstable...

can i hold it together? i dont know anymore, it just keeps me up at nite. its making me go crazy. im not holding it together..

only my friends are, i have no idea where i would be without them... thank you. ill try to say sane. for now. and i wont give up...

"If you wake up at a different time, and in a different place. Could you wake up as a different person?" - The narrator.

my nite

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 19:27:40 GMT

Well i had a pretty good nite last nite and all. First off it was like 10 at nite and kev just tells me to come over and hang out and im gonna stay the nite at dannys house. (ps. i dont wanna talk about friday nite, it was too scary, but it was good to see jeff again). Well i get over to nh and i see everyone outside kevs by the cars. and i guess we decide to get some food. so kenny and someone leave, and me kev danny and mendez hop in mendez's car and we decide to go to wendys. and we drive and were following matt's truck and chris's car and we drop off martin cause he has some business to take care of then we go to to wendy's, happens to be closed at 11 at nite. so we decide to go to KFC/pizza hut and get some BONELESS BUFFALO WINGS! for them tho, im veg. so we get there and it happens to be closed, but the drive through is open and they are willing to do anything for those bonelss buffalo wings! haha so we get in the car and go in the drive through and danny wants pizza, but they dont have it! and then they want the boneless buffalo wings! and they are out of those! and were fucking pissed and started screaming satan at them and said fuck you were going to wienerschnitzel but it was prolly closed so we decided to go to ralphs, we saw a dead bum, we went inside and got a small small small cart and got some food, i had a vision that thats how its going to be living together in the future, and fighting over what kind of food to get, so we get our junk and head back to nh to feast. were all eating then me danny chris and kev decide to smoke, so we walk over to netfragz. just to smoke, haha and we smoke and talk about random shit. and go inside to sit down for a bit and get a drink and then we head back cause me and danny had to be in about 12 or so. so we get back, we chill and watch a couple movies wait for his dad to go to bed. then i leave jonnys room and decide to sit with danny and the laptop watching movies on the couch, laptops are fun. and then we wait till like 2 and we go outside for a smoke, just us 2. and we talk about serious stuff, deep convos. and we finish it off and head back inside for more movies and laptop, and then we decide to beat the shit out of the hay around 4. and i wake up and danny is leaving, so i had to go, and i call kev and wait for his parents to leave so i can come in, and i go to netfragz to smoke and starbux for potty break, then kev calls and i come here. yea. i didnt do much last nite but it was still fun and amazing, as long as im with kev, danny, and chris. its the happiest moments i think...

ive had a lot on my mind about things... mostly her.
things never get better..
and i dont think they ever will.

thanks to all my friends, im still alive and sane. without them. im nothing, thank you all. Especially danny and kevin and chris. <3

sorry its so long. laptops are fun, and so are brownies. <3

her

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 07:43:45 GMT

tabitha...

DONt DO it

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:30:33 GMT

I wont. I wont give up. She said not to. And I promised I wont!

madness.

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 04:26:53 GMT

he keeps trembling...
in fear..
and sorrow..
its tearing him apart inside..
he just wants one simple answer..
"she likes me..
she likes me not..
she likes me...
she likes me not.."
which is it?
he needs to know,
day after day he thinks to himself the same question,
he picks flowers for fate.
still a different answer everytime..
it never gets better..
one amazing night drives a boy crazy and makes him feel something special..
small talk for 2 weeks makes him go mad... insane.. crazy.. fucking UNSTABLE.
he cant keep it together.
its just getting worse and worse.
he tears up day and nite.
morning after morning.
over and over.
it wont stop.
the feeling wont go away.
he just trembles and trembles, falls to his feet.
never understands...
it just hurts.
more and more and will never go away until the answer comes...
he hopes she likes him as much as he likes her..
even if it will never happen.
distance.. time.. kills.
hope is the only thing left.
the only thing he has to look forward to...
even if she only likes him a little bit..
it will make his life completely better...
always and forever..
he keeps HER in his heart..
feeling wont go away.
always and forever..
he holds HER the closest..
nothing else matters..
NOTHING else exsists...

Please.

feeling

Mon, 30 May 2005 19:05:51 GMT

very depressed. the song explains it all.